I've been diagnosed as having narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) by several doctors so maybe I can shed some light on this.
NPD is the inability to generate and/or experience internal validation. It is the lack of internal voice saying "good job". NPD is not self-aggrandizement although that is a common coping mechanism used to deal with the underlying disorder. I don't think I'm some sort of minor deity, but I'm also told by my doctors that I'm considerably more introspective than the typical narcissist (the irony of my docs being a source of praise is not lost on me).
Because I do not have an internal source of validation I seek out validation and praise from others to fill the void. Psychiatrists call these sources of validation "narcissistic supply". That supply is a finite resource, eventually I either exhaust or build up a tolerance to the individual / group supplying the validation which causes me to seek out new sources. Some people have compared it to an addict trying to find their fix, a metaphor I find distasteful since it does people suffering from addiction a disservice.
In this way I don't think I can be happy because I cannot remain satisfied. Sometimes I feel good, but I understand that no matter what I do, success I achieve, or people I help it will never be enough. I have a hard time staying still because I know that whatever source of supply I'm currently tapping will eventually run dry. It's a rather restless experience.
I also use throwaways, but to give unpopular advice. I'd say that youre probably alright, but your state indicates an objective reality which is wasting time on things deemed pointless by your ego or soul, whatever you call it. Whenever we engage in such pointless activities, e.g. chasing money, our egos lose interest that feels as the unexplainable loss of life satisfaction. Activities that are deemed important by our egos are usually considered unimportant by our today's society's. The famous example is meditation: it seems meaningless, but for whatever reason it instantly brings the ego's attention and that feels as an unexplainable satisfaction in achieving something important, even though you can't explain whats being achieved. It's like lighting up an internal candle. Other activities are research of certain usually abstract topics, but also giving to others (not just money, but also time or knowledge). I'd recommend studying the bright side of occultism, and start with a short essay called "light on the path" (and to dodge the wrath of the orthodox HN community, I'm using a throwaway account). That essay has a few important references that will eventually lead you to less known books by Plato, Newton and many others. You'll laugh at the idea that Plato was just a philosopher. By that time you wont have lack of internal self validation.
Thanks for sharing your experiences of being diagnosed with NPD.
I was wondering what made you get referred to the ‘several doctors’ in the first instance, and what treatments did they recommend to help manage your NPD?
Most of what I do in life is in order for me to be considered successful by others and I don't trust my own judgment of my success. How do I know if I'm delusional or not without feedback of others?
Taken to an extreme, yes, it’s possible you suffer from narcissism. There are also many other forms of the pattern, a common one is impostor syndrome. Speaking from experience, it can present a lot like narcissism (seeking external validation and even self-aggrandizement as a coping mechanism). But it can also subside when enough external validation is established to enable self-validation. If you need external validation for things that are unfamiliar or unproven, but you’re able to self-validate as your comfort level rises, it’s probably something more like that. If you continue to need external validation after you’ve reached enough comfort and certainty on the thing that bears validation, there may be more going on.
I've been diagnosed as having narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) by several doctors so maybe I can shed some light on this.
NPD is the inability to generate and/or experience internal validation. It is the lack of internal voice saying "good job". NPD is not self-aggrandizement although that is a common coping mechanism used to deal with the underlying disorder. I don't think I'm some sort of minor deity, but I'm also told by my doctors that I'm considerably more introspective than the typical narcissist (the irony of my docs being a source of praise is not lost on me).
Because I do not have an internal source of validation I seek out validation and praise from others to fill the void. Psychiatrists call these sources of validation "narcissistic supply". That supply is a finite resource, eventually I either exhaust or build up a tolerance to the individual / group supplying the validation which causes me to seek out new sources. Some people have compared it to an addict trying to find their fix, a metaphor I find distasteful since it does people suffering from addiction a disservice.
In this way I don't think I can be happy because I cannot remain satisfied. Sometimes I feel good, but I understand that no matter what I do, success I achieve, or people I help it will never be enough. I have a hard time staying still because I know that whatever source of supply I'm currently tapping will eventually run dry. It's a rather restless experience.